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ANNOUNCER: This program
is rated 14 ,

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and contains scenes of
violence, coarse language,

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and mature subject matter.

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Viewer discretion is advised.

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- Buscemi: Hello?
- Hi. Uh, Steve.

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Mister-
Uh, it's Jordan.

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- How are you doing?
- Good. Yeah. What's up?

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So, I'm shooting
my sketch show,

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and it's kind of like a
"Twilight Zone" sketch show.

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And, um,
we're looking for a host,

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for, like, a screen legend
to be- such as yourself

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to be the host of the show,
and I was-

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Oh, thank you.

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Listen,
I'm really busy now,

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but thank you for
thinking of me.

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Really, I appreciate it.

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Yeah.
[ Clears throat ]

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Yeah, totally.
Uh, totally. Um...

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What about
"StopAsianHate," though?

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Wh- What?

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You know, it's just-
it's a shame,

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because this is the first
Asian sketch show ever.

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Uh-huh.

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Is that right?
I don't know.

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- Wow. Yeah.
- Look it up.

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No, uh, congratulations.
That's cool.

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And so don't you think
that that's important or...

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Of course I do.
What do you mean? Yeah, sure.

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It'd almost be racist
if you didn't do it.

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- Wh...
- Right?

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- What?
- Man: Here we go. And...

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Woman: Alright. Two.
Take two. Mark.

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[ Clack echoes ]

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Hush.
Don't wake him.

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He'll be having
his night terrors soon.

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?

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Oh.

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It's almost time.

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You're about to enter a realm.

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A realm of
desire, dread,

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fantasy,
dreams and nightmares,

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hopes and horrors.

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Welcome to
"The Terrors."

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?

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Okay, everybody,
listen up!

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I need you all
up against the wall!

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Right now! Go!

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Go, go, go!
[ Beeping ]

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No funny business!

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Reporter:
We are joining you live

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from Brockton Savings Bank,

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where an armed man is holding
five customers hostage.

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We are now getting word
that the police are bringing in

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veteran negotiator
Lieutenant James McMurphy.

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Okay. What do we know?
Chris Fagan, 34, no priors.

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Hey, Lieutenant McMurphy here.

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You pigs try
anything funny,

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I'm gonna kill every single
person in here.

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I don't think that's
what you want.

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- You don't know what I want.
- Maybe not.

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But if you promise me
to keep these people safe,

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I promise you I'll do everything
in my power to make it happen.

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Just tell me
what you want, Chris.

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I want to be
a famous snake.

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?

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I'm sorry, Chris.
I-I don't think I caught that.

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I said I want to be
a famous snake.

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And if you can't
get on board with that,

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then everyone in here
is going to die!

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Chris, hey, I hear you.
I get you.

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- You do?
- Yeah.

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Uh...
[ Computer keys clacking ]

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you want to be
a famous snake.

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Oh, okay.
Famous sn...?

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I don't know.
Uh, so, when do we get started?

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When you say
you want to be a famous snake,

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are we talking, like,
a motorcycle gang?

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What the fuck did
you just say to me?

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I just wanted to clarify.
[ Gunshots ]

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You said you understood me!

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Do I look like I want to be
a big, fat motorcycle guy?!

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Is that what I sound
like to you?!

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[ Screaming ]

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Chris, Chris, Chris!
I hear you, okay?

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I get you.

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You want to be a famous snake.

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Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.

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Okay, so, um,
in terms of specifics,

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do you mean, like,
you want to be a movie star

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who plays a snake
in a movie?

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Are you playing games
with me, man?

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I thought you said you wanted
to get these people out safe!

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Why am I not
a famous snake yet?!

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Uh, Chris,
we're working on it.

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No, we're not.
Working on what?

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- Dude!
- I got an idea.

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Why don't you name some

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famous snakes, okay?

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Well, I know them all,

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but I actually don't feel like
naming any right now.

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How about if I name some?

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- Kaa from "The Jungle Book."
- Kaa from "The Jungle Book."

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- Sir Hiss, "Robin Hood,"
- Sir Hiss from "Robin Hood."

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Oh, what about
Medusa's hair?

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McMurphy: Medusa's hair.
There's a lot of snakes there.

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Nagini from
"Harry Potter"?

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[ Gun cocks ]
Get the fuck back!

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I'm the one calling
the shots here, not you!

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I'm the one who gets to be
a famous snake, not you!

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- [Screams]
- Chris, Chris!

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Hey, I need you to
calm down, buddy, okay?

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There's a basilisk
from "Harry Potter"

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and the serpent from
Adam and Eve in the Bible.

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Oh, Eakins
from Pok�mon.

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Yeah.
Eakins from Pok�mon.

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Ekans.

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Ekans.
That's what I said.

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?

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You really know a lot
of those guys, huh?

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Yeah, I guess I do.

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Okay, listen up!
I changed my mind!

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I don't want to be
a famous snake anymore!

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I want to be something else!

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Alright,
what is it now, Chris?

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I want to be
a hostage negotiator,

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just like you.

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?

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?

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Chris: Whoops.
My bad.

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[ Gavel bangs ]

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Mr. Langford,
in my many years on this bench,

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I've judged men of every stripe,

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men of every station,

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from the lowly dirt farmer

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to the well-heeled
captain of industry.

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But I must say, your crimes
represent the darkest strain

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of moral corruption
this bench has ever observed.

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Your Honor,
there's been a mistake.

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I am innocent.
I was framed.

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Hold your tongue, son.

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Lest you desecrate
Lady Justice any further.

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The 12 good men and women
of the jury

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have found you guilty
beyond any reasonable doubt.

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And after due consideration
for the proper punishment,

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given the wickedness
of your crime,

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I hereby sentence you to 15

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hugs and kisses
from the nearest judge.

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[ Gavel bangs,
spectators murmuring ]

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Holy fucking shit!
What the fuck?

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What?

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What...
What does that mean?

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Are your ears as
touched and tainted

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as your
sense of justice, sonny?

154
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:27,388
No.
Um... it's just,

155
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did you say
my punishment is

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15 hugs and kisses
from the nearest judge?

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Bailiff, please consult our
federal statutes and tell me,

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where might the nearest judge be
at this moment in time?

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?

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00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:47,545
Your Honor,
the nearest judge is

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located in
this very courtroom.

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The nearest judge,
Your Honor, is you.

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God!

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Ain't that a fine
how-do-you-do?

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[ Laughs ]

166
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Is this what
you wanted?

167
00:07:03,588 --> 00:07:06,488
- You asked for fif-
- Easy, boy. Easy.

168
00:07:06,654 --> 00:07:09,821
Well, then,
let's get on with it.

169
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Why are you sad?
This is fine.

170
00:07:12,888 --> 00:07:14,354
Is this, like, bad?

171
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I'm so sorry, son.

172
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I have failed you.

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What happens now
is between you and God.

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So, sorry, um,
just to clarify,

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I am innocent, but this is
my punishment for manslaughter?

176
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Stand still now, son.

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Ooh,
you disgust me.

178
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?

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[ Spectators gasping,
murmuring ]

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[ Gasping,
murmuring continues ]

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[ Gasping,
murmuring continues ]

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Lawyer:
Holy fucking shit!

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[ Gavel bangs ]

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00:08:02,054 --> 00:08:04,521
?

185
00:08:04,721 --> 00:08:11,955
?

186
00:08:14,488 --> 00:08:17,755
?

187
00:08:17,921 --> 00:08:20,187
Do you know if you need
a key to the bathroom?

188
00:08:20,354 --> 00:08:23,054
Uh... I don't know.

189
00:08:23,254 --> 00:08:28,187
?

190
00:08:28,354 --> 00:08:29,855
My wife's Korean.

191
00:08:30,488 --> 00:08:32,688
Cool.
That's, uh...

192
00:08:32,855 --> 00:08:34,087
That's cool.

193
00:08:34,287 --> 00:08:38,488
?

194
00:08:38,654 --> 00:08:40,554
Is this cracker
bothering you?

195
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,054
No.
No, it's okay.

196
00:08:43,221 --> 00:08:45,751
What the hell, man?
Hey, don't touch me, cracker!

197
00:08:45,855 --> 00:08:47,725
Guys, it's okay.
It's fine, it's fine.

198
00:08:48,087 --> 00:08:49,287
You're safe
with me.

199
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,538
My wife...

200
00:08:51,554 --> 00:08:52,604
she's Vietnamese.

201
00:08:52,755 --> 00:08:53,921
?

202
00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:55,137
Cool.

203
00:08:56,721 --> 00:08:58,221
Awesome.

204
00:09:00,855 --> 00:09:03,021
[ Insects chirping ]

205
00:09:07,621 --> 00:09:09,121
Man: Chinese.

206
00:09:10,621 --> 00:09:12,321
What?

207
00:09:12,488 --> 00:09:15,054
My wife is Chinese.

208
00:09:16,354 --> 00:09:18,554
Oh. Okay.

209
00:09:18,755 --> 00:09:25,554
?

210
00:09:25,721 --> 00:09:26,888
[ Car door closes ]

211
00:09:27,087 --> 00:09:30,287
?

212
00:09:31,421 --> 00:09:34,554
I don't know what it is,
but I feel like every guy

213
00:09:34,721 --> 00:09:36,521
in their 50s and 60s

214
00:09:36,688 --> 00:09:39,021
needs to tell me
their wife is Asian.

215
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:43,254
Like, I can hear them
all the time.

216
00:09:43,421 --> 00:09:45,021
They're always around.

217
00:09:45,187 --> 00:09:48,187
Maybe they're just trying
to relate to you?

218
00:09:49,121 --> 00:09:52,621
Have you been sleeping okay?
You look exhausted.

219
00:09:52,821 --> 00:09:54,254
?

220
00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:55,688
Hey.

221
00:09:58,054 --> 00:10:00,321
You guys are in
analytics, right?

222
00:10:01,488 --> 00:10:02,721
Yeah.

223
00:10:03,554 --> 00:10:05,187
I met my wife in Osaka.

224
00:10:05,388 --> 00:10:08,521
?

225
00:10:08,688 --> 00:10:10,054
[ Laughs evilly ]

226
00:10:10,254 --> 00:10:16,554
?

227
00:10:16,721 --> 00:10:19,388
Osaka is beautiful.

228
00:10:19,554 --> 00:10:21,488
I love her so much.

229
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:23,654
But now...

230
00:10:23,821 --> 00:10:26,454
now they want to take
away our right

231
00:10:26,621 --> 00:10:29,054
to say we have Asian wives.

232
00:10:29,221 --> 00:10:34,221
She married me,
so obviously I'm a good guy!

233
00:10:34,388 --> 00:10:35,621
- Jordan?
- Yes.

234
00:10:35,788 --> 00:10:38,321
We have
a cabin in Michigan.

235
00:10:38,488 --> 00:10:40,187
Go, go,
go, go, go!

236
00:10:40,354 --> 00:10:42,154
Mendoza?

237
00:10:42,321 --> 00:10:43,721
Huh.

238
00:10:43,888 --> 00:10:47,821
It's a Spanish name,
an Asian face.

239
00:10:47,988 --> 00:10:50,988
You must be Filipino.

240
00:10:51,187 --> 00:10:52,688
?

241
00:10:52,855 --> 00:10:54,688
Like my wife.

242
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,554
[ Screams ]

243
00:10:56,721 --> 00:10:59,221
Okay, show's over.

244
00:10:59,388 --> 00:11:00,438
Wake up!

245
00:11:00,454 --> 00:11:01,504
[ Gasps ]

246
00:11:01,521 --> 00:11:07,721
?

247
00:11:07,921 --> 00:11:11,721
?

248
00:11:11,771 --> 00:11:16,321
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